La niebla
This is going to be a long rant. But damnit, it’s going to be an organized one.
It’s been a rough couple of days. “Culture shock” or “homesickness” or “depression” hit right on time, after the “honeymood period” just like they said it would. Not that everything was all that easy at the start, but anyways. Quite a few diverse factors have been getting me down lately. Allow me to enumerate them for you:
- Of course, I do not fit in Spain. I do not speak the language well enough to relate with native speakers. I do not understand well enough to keep up with fast talking Spaniards. It is obvious, but it must be mentioned as it underlies everything else.
- I do not fit in our university, or at least the division of the university with which Marquette is associated. “Facultad de filosofia e historia” is obviously one of the more liberal artsy divisions, which would seem to be a good place for me, but from what I’ve learned so far, the educational system seems to be even more slanted towards the career-oriented studies (sciences, business, etc.) than we are in the US, leaving people in the “letras” area at the bottom of the totem pole. In other words, all of the students that we see in our building are considered those who don’t really care enough to do something *really* important. Granted, I haven’t talked to all that many people about this, but it really seems that a sense of academic pride is missing. In general, students are not expected to do homework, to get to know the teacher, nothing but go to enough classes where you can take enough notes to pass the final exam. The way I’ve had it described to me is: “school is not life here, it is only another part of life.” This makes it hard for me, as I’m used to school being an engaging experience and currently, I don’t have much of a life here outside of this program. . . which leads me to my next point.
- I do not fit in to the group of students here with Marquette. I mean this from many angles.
- While I have a great interest in having fun here, I also have some goals that I would like to take seriously with regards to learning–not so much academically but culturally. I want to learn Spanish. I want to learn to live in Madrid. The program we are in is good at making students feel comfortable in Spain (by keeping them in the same Hostel for the first week and by planning lots of group trips, etc.) but it is not good at making participants learn to live in the culture. Case in point: the two most frequented night spots for the 40 kids in our group are: Dubliners, an Irish sports bar in Sol that shows Bears games, and TGI Fridays, which has a 5pm-8pm happy hour that there is talk of making a weekly (perhaps even twice weekly) tradition among the group. All waiters and bartenders at these places that I have seen speak English. When Marquette students hang out at these places, they speak English over their Guinness and onion rings. This, to me, is understandable in the first period of being here as a sort of transitional thing, but people talking about continuing to do this all semester makes me think that the priorities that I have might be a little different from those in the group.
- I am not built, physically or psychologically, to be out and about all of the time. My favorite place to be with a couple of friends just hanging out and talking, not in a smoke-filled bar yelling over the music. I could care less about getting drunk. I am afraid of dancing, which I admit is a problem, but not one that will be solved at a bar or a discoteca with a big group of people.
- I’ve noticed the same thing happening that has happened with every group of friends that I’ve ever come to be involved with: I meet them, I hang out with them a little, I decide that I’m not going to be incredibly close with any of them, and then I drift to the edges, feeling guilty about it all the way. This is a larger, more mysterious theme than anything else here, and I still have to figure out how I feel about it.
So, that just about covers what’s on my mind now. My tendency is to want to protect Spain and criticize the group I am with for having an inaccurate profile of what Spain is really like, but I am not sure how much of this is just because Spain is different. Maybe Spanish students are just lazy. Maybe there is nothing valuable here for me to find. Or maybe there is, but I have to find it on my own, apart from the less ambitious cultural investigations of the group I’m with. Maybe I’m being a bastard and I need to chill out a little bit. Likely all of the above.
I told you it would be a long rant.
Jan 23rd 2007
Paul Paul Paul! This is certainly a very organized rant. Sounds like things are frustrating, and that sucks. Let me try to do what I can…
First off, even though I have only been abroad for a short period of time (3 weeks in the DR), let me tell you that the homesickness DOES get better. I had it worst my very first night in the village with my “new family” - which seemed counter-intuitive… I thought that the homesickness would get worse the longer I stayed, but it turned out to be the opposite.
It definitely sounds like an interesting cultural difference that the education there is a less-important part of “life”… interesting/frustrating. I would suggest continuing to give the schooly-programs a chance, but if you continue on and it seems your observations hold true, I have another radical suggestion — go with it. I would suggest maybe, just maybe, admitting that you might not be in the educational rigor that you’re used to, but that you are taking classes that will advance you towards your graduation and (ideally) you will at least learn SOMETHING from them, even if they don’t stretch your brain as much as you’d like.
I say this because not stressing out about classes could (it seems to me) leave more room in your over-filled brain to focus on (or just float along with) the cultural education of hanging out with people, seeing the sights, and just absorbing it all.
Also… I definitely understand (and admire and support) your desire to “live in the culture”, but I also think that you might want to take a step back - you’ve been in Spain for less than three weeks, and while you’ll have a lot of time to immerse yourself in Spanish culture, you only have a limited amount of time to make a good first impression on your fellow Marquette-Madrilenos. For this reason I would suggest -trying- to continue to do social things, even if they’re going to bars or English-speaking places and not-dancing.
You don’t have do things like that ALL the time, but the reason I suggest that is because I think it might be more important for you to make some friends rather than immersing yourself immediately in the culture. Even though going to Dubliners is a culturally debasing experience, it might help you connect with people who LATER will want to immerse in the culture, but who are “going with the crowd” because they are scared of being in a new place.
Lastly, you’re not being a bastard, but it might help to chill out JUST a little bit. A teeny bit. Because, like I said, the semester’s still beginning. Of course, all this advice is worth exactly what you paid for it, I’m not there so I can’t appropriately comment on your experience, blah blah blah disclaimer blah blah blah. But we’re all on your side and our thoughts/prayers are with you! (And I’m sparing thoughts for you even though Anything Goes opens in two days! So that’s saying something!)
Hope you can keep on keepin’ on!
Jan 23rd 2007
I know were you got that of the “school is not life here” :) Maybe the University in Madrid is not what you espected, we are not lazy, and you can´t say so because you haven´t taken any Complutense class, (I know what you mean) but it´s like a I said the other day, the things (activities) doesn´t go around the University here as in the USA, or at least you will have to find them!
You should join the sports club or some voluntary activities, the Complutense has a program to give food to people who lives in the street or for helping people with difficulties for moving, that things. In other faculties there are clubs for hiking.You can go to a gym…
And you can always call me, I like “to be with a couple of friends just hanging out and talking” (I like to dance too ;) I call you when I go out with my friends next time.
But I understand you, trust me. Maybe next time we can talk about this. By the moment, I think that you´re friend Karl has reason.
Jan 23rd 2007
P.S I hope that not everything in Spain disapointed you so much and at least enjoyed the movie night…if so, we can repeat it when you want (or go to a Spanish bar with Spanish people :)
Jan 23rd 2007
I agree with Karl! And there’s no shame in picking up books outside of class and reading. Sometimes, sitting in a coffee shop or plaza with a book alone is a valuable, if not drastically cultural, experience. I hope things improve, and expect an email soon!
-Luke
Jan 23rd 2007
Thanks all for your advice. There are most definitely good things about being here (yes the movie night was a good time), and overall the experience has still been incredibly valuable and good.
A lot of the frustration in this post is also with the final project and final exam for our intensive orientation class which are both this Thursday. I wanted to do my project on ETA but was discouraged to do so by the professor, and now I have a mediocre topic and a lack of motivation. I also suck at doing papers.
Hopefully after this week ends I will have this orientation course off my shoulders and feel a little better about everything.
Jan 24th 2007
Hi Paul,
Keep exploring. Keep writing.
As a person who tends to live more internally than externally, your laments about ‘fit’ hit home with me. Be as compassionate and gentle with yourself as you would be with your best friend. You deserve that.
Hang in there! I suspect the unexpected is right around the corner.
Love,
Aunt Peggy
Jan 25th 2007
Hey Paul,
Your reports remind me of times that I had in Germany. As a matter of fact, the most popular bar for the american students that I was with was called “the Dubliner”. Inside of this bar they played american football games and served terrible bar food.
I had a really difficult time studying abroad. Everything was foreign to me, and even trying to understand the culture was difficult because I was limited by my language skills. I don’t know the answer even if there is one out there. But I do know that I experienced many of the same feelings and ended up alright.
We are all thinking of you here Paul.
Ben
Jan 25th 2007
i echo your aunt peggy:
“Be as compassionate and gentle with yourself as you would be with your best friend. You deserve that.”
wonderful words of wisdom!
peace
katy